My Catharsis

Caught in a web of Aspergers

My world changed almost ten years ago when I realized that the man that I married was unlike any other man that I had encountered in my entire life. In fact, some of his odd behaviors had me wondering if he was some kind of alien or ‘possessed’. I tried to understand why he behaved so differently, and why he could never seem to understand my point of view no matter how many times I “broke it down” for him.  I would often comment that sometimes I felt as if I was talking to a brick wall; communication was poor and often pointless, affection and amusement were unreciprocated. What should have been average conflict ended up being bizarre and unpredictable; and somehow, I was blamed for everything. The checks that bounced because he couldn’t balance a check book were, inadvertently, my fault because I didn’t need to buy the baby formula and diapers on the same day. He allowed his father to verbally attack me and accuse me of overspending. He wasn’t aware that I deserved to be defended and that it was his job to do so. He let the grass in our yard grow up to our knees because he “just didn’t get around to cutting it”. But forbid me from cutting it because it was, “a man’s job.” When I asked what it would take for him to actually take care of things around the house, he told me that I should probably call his dad. His dad would cuss him out and belittle him, yet it motivated him to do things.

Living in this situation was a world of loneliness, confusion, and heartache. Prior to marriage, I was a vibrant, ambitious, hopeful, and sensitive young woman; sure, I had self esteem issues, but I was a perfectionist, and deeply moved by my setbacks and what I perceived as failures. Nothing prepared me to deal with a individual that seemingly lacked empathy, could not anticipate my needs, and never seemed to want anything in life other then what suited his immediate desires.  He was disorganized, sluggish, passive, and unable to follow instructions unless they were detailed and in written form. He seemed more concerned about indulging in his “idiosyncrasies and obsessions” than learning how to relate to, connect with, and provide for his family members. He was rigid and rule bound; my English was corrected on a regular basis; this made me feel inadequate and unintelligent. He was uninterested in intimate relations; he seemed to be more A-sexual than heterosexual. Yet, I was blamed for his ED, in spite of his urologist acknowledging that his problem was a “mental thing”.

Many times, I was sick; and had to care for myself and my babies with little assistance from him. I’d watch him retreat to “the room that he sleeps in,” leave the boys to entertain themselves, while I lay in bed in pain. I became so disenchanted with this family to the point where I just wanted to run away. I could not see myself ever being happy in this life, I simply wanted out. I wanted to regain my life, to revisit my hopes and dreams that were tossed to the side. When I realized that the man I married would never be able to live up to my expectations, I became the glorified caregiver to an individual that I accommodate and make excuses for based on a disability that he doesn’t even admit to having.

My children could no longer be the only source of fulfillment for me. As they got older, they became more self centered. The oldest one, NT, was determined to do whatever it took to please his dad, and the youngest, the Aspie, preferred to stay at home with his trains. Thus, any form of family recreation was usually shot down. This contributed to my unhappiness. But, my life wasn’t supposed to be like this. I admit, I’ve learned a lot over the years; and I have become quite the Aspergers expert. I have earned two degrees and helped my children develop their God given talents. Yet, I am still young enough to want more out of life: more children, a second marriage, a beautiful forever home, and a chance to really help others in a significant way. I realize that fear and insecurity has kept me trapped in an endless loop of negative thinking. I need to break free. I often reflect on my ultimate desire to have a compatible mate; I heard it described on Oprah as a “spiritual partnership.” This one wish provides me with the motivation to continue going, to hold on to my faith, and to hope for the better future that I am entitled too.

Throughout this, I have learned a powerful lesson: never surrender your life to an individual that has no way of understanding how you perceive your life, feelings, emotions, desires, and hopes for the future.  I am often haunted by something my children’s father’s mother said to me before we married, in fact, what she said really inspired me to marry him. She told me that he was a nice guy and that he would make a good husband. Clearly, she was either extremely hopeful or in denial of her son’s condition. I sometimes wonder if she was only trying to secure a full time care giver for her special needs child. I think about how I would react to my youngest son’s possible desire for a mate. I want all of my children to find love and happiness, but I feel that it is my responsibility to help them find compatible partners. For example, my youngest son would be better suited with an individual that has the same neurological differences, such as Autism, Aspergers, or with an individual that has low emotional needs.

As I write this, I am in a sort of crisis. I am still healing from my last infection, when I develop symptoms of arthritis. I have awakened for the last few days with swollen hands and feet, stiff joints, and swollen neck glands. Great, another attack on my autoimmune system… I realize that I really need to get it together. I have allowed the stressors in my life to bring me down.

So going forward from today, I will try my hardest to put this chapter of marriage to my children’s father behind me. The nine years of hardship and emotional pain must be buried so that I can move on. Unfortunately, the finances do not allow for quick divorce.  My children’s father and I must share the same living quarters until I am gainfully employed because he just won’t leave the house. He believes that I should leave since I want the divorce. Thus, I felt trapped. But, I no longer want to feel this powerlessness. I move forward today, empowered and full of hope and confidence that my dreams will come to pass. For a whole year, I practiced positive thinking, aligning my life with good things, and allowing the universe to deliver my desires…guess what, “IT WORKED!” However, I feel into a deep depression after I completed my graduate courses, began to look for a job, and suddenly decided that, “I couldn’t find a job.” Desperate to get out of my marriage and housing situation, I panicked and got on the ‘woe is me’ bandwagon. And now I am writing a blog as my catharsis.

What does it mean to be "Highly Sensitive"?

As I mentioned in my blog, “BlackAspie” I recently realized that I am a Highly Sensitive Person. My oldest child is also highly sensitive. It’s funny to think of him being so much like me: he looks like me; he’s built like me, and is discerning and very creative. When he was handed to me in the delivery room, I remember being shocked at how this little person had so many of my features. As he grew from an infant to an older child, I saw how intuitive and thoughtful he was [he is], he loves his family and friends deeply, and…will cry when seemingly unprovoked. Yes, he’s a crier.  I used to giggle at God, and say, “God, I really only wanted him to have the good parts of me, not the sensitive side.” You see, I think it’s much harder for a male to tread through this world as a sensitive soul. Men are not supposed to cry, feel and express pain, or deep empathy. I was worried that my boy would be so consumed by the hurts and injustice in this world that he would not have the energy to also see the goodness and happiness in life (and have balance).

My discoveries about these traits in myself and my son lead me to the website, “The Highly Sensitive Person,” and the woman that coined this title, Dr. Elaine Aron. Dr. Aron describes the HSP as, “a distinct personality trait that affects as many as one out of every five people… the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) has a sensitive nervous system, is aware of subtleties in his/her surroundings, and is more easily overwhelmed when in a highly stimulating environment.”

These are some of the traits for an individual that is “Highly Sensitive”

·         Easily overwhelmed by such things as bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens nearby?

·         Rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time?

·         Make a point of avoiding violent movies and TV shows?

·         Need to withdraw during busy days, into bed or a darkened room or some other place where you can have privacy and relief from the situation?

·         Make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations?

·         Notice or enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art?

·         Have a rich and complex inner life?

·         As a child, did your parents or teachers see you as sensitive or shy?

These traits rung true with me, and I was more thrilled to learn that I am not alone. Of course, the HSP is not a disorder rather a type of personality. HSP can be introverted or extroverted and come in all colors, shapes, and sizes. J Another key characteristic for the HSP is having a high level of empathy.  Dr. Aron, who is also a HSP, believes that being sensitive is not a flaw! She states that many HSPs are often unusually creative and productive workers, attentive and thoughtful partners, and intellectually gifted individuals. Gosh, I am really digging that I am HSP now; it’s the New Black!

My revelation of ‘HSP’ peaked my interest in finding others who believe they meet the characteristics for the Highly Sensitive personality.  I also have an opinion on who I think is the most famous HSP [Oprah]. Perhaps Michael Jackson was also a HSP. Any who. I will update this blog with topics that I find interesting and relative to living as a Highly Sensitive Person. I am also working on a theory about how I ended up marrying [soon to be divorcing] an individual on the low scale for empathy.  This might be a problem for many other HSPs. I remember how I felt upon first meeting my children’s father: feeling pity for him.  I knew in my heart something was off, but I had a strong desire to nurture him. Then, I married him against my better judgment.

This is kinda off topic, but I think it sheds light on how l perceive events in my life. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been dealing with a painful abscess; thankfully it is healing beautifully, but in the beginning stages, I was in excruciating pain and depression. The reality of living with two individuals with Aspergers is magnified when I am not feeling well. The Aspergers father shuts down and is unable to interpret and facilitate the situation. He goes from low-functioning around the house to no-functioning. Thus, I am left to do everything, manage the house and small children in spite of my pain. This alone is overwhelming. Add a cranky Aspergers preschooler in the mix, and the situation goes from bad to worst really fast. Then, there’s my fellow HSP son; he gets so worried, internalizes his fears, and ends up making himself sick.

Thank God for his grace because I needed it and relied upon on it these past couple of weeks. I felt so alone, confused, and afraid. I had to drive myself to and from the ER 3 times. I asked God, “Why?” Cause, I can’t take living like this much longer. I long for reciprocal companionship and spiritual partnership. As I wept in the hospital room on the 3^rd day, I felt a peace come over me. My spirit echoed, “The best is yet to come. This too shall pass; and in the end it will all make sense. Love casts away fear.”

Regardless of the hardship that I have dealt with having loved ones that are low in empathy, they are gifts in my life; they teach me about myself, and challenge me to remain authentic. Will I only have compassion for them only when they are behaving right? Or will I reach for the higher sentiment to love unconditionally without reproach. This lesson or situation, “3 lonely ER visits and an abscessed eye,” taught me that ‘To Love’ is always the right answer. It, most definitely, helps me, but it is what everyone deserves; and I am eternally equipped to distribute it.  I have an unlimited supply of love and grace. And most importantly, “Love heals!”

For more information on the Highly Sensitive Person, go to: www.hsperson.com