My world changed almost ten years ago when I realized that the man that I
married was unlike any other man that I had encountered in my entire life. In
fact, some of his odd behaviors had me wondering if he was some kind of alien
or ‘possessed’. I tried to understand why he behaved so differently, and why he
could never seem to understand my point of view no matter how many times I
“broke it down” for him. I would often
comment that sometimes I felt as if I was talking to a brick wall;
communication was poor and often pointless, affection and amusement were
unreciprocated. What should have been average conflict ended up being bizarre
and unpredictable; and somehow, I was blamed for everything. The checks that
bounced because he couldn’t balance a check book were, inadvertently, my fault
because I didn’t need to buy the baby formula and diapers on the same day. He
allowed his father to verbally attack me and accuse me of overspending. He wasn’t
aware that I deserved to be defended and that it was his job to do so. He let
the grass in our yard grow up to our knees because he “just didn’t get around
to cutting it”. But forbid me from cutting it because it was, “a man’s job.”
When I asked what it would take for him to actually take care of things around
the house, he told me that I should probably call his dad. His dad would cuss
him out and belittle him, yet it motivated him to do things.
Living in this situation was a world of loneliness,
confusion, and heartache. Prior to marriage, I was a vibrant, ambitious,
hopeful, and sensitive young woman; sure, I had self esteem issues, but I was a
perfectionist, and deeply moved by my setbacks and what I perceived as failures.
Nothing prepared me to deal with a individual that seemingly lacked empathy,
could not anticipate my needs, and never seemed to want anything in life other
then what suited his immediate desires.
He was disorganized, sluggish, passive, and unable to follow
instructions unless they were detailed and in written form. He seemed more
concerned about indulging in his “idiosyncrasies and obsessions” than learning
how to relate to, connect with, and provide for his family members. He was
rigid and rule bound; my English was corrected on a regular basis; this made me
feel inadequate and unintelligent. He was uninterested in intimate relations;
he seemed to be more A-sexual than heterosexual. Yet, I was blamed for his ED,
in spite of his urologist acknowledging that his problem was a “mental thing”.
Many times, I was sick; and had to care for myself and my
babies with little assistance from him. I’d watch him retreat to “the room that
he sleeps in,” leave the boys to entertain themselves, while I lay in bed in
pain. I became so disenchanted with this family to the point where I just
wanted to run away. I could not see myself ever being happy in this life, I simply
wanted out. I wanted to regain my life, to revisit my hopes and dreams that
were tossed to the side. When I realized that the man I married would never be
able to live up to my expectations, I became the glorified caregiver to an
individual that I accommodate and make excuses for based on a disability that
he doesn’t even admit to having.
My children could no longer be the only source of fulfillment
for me. As they got older, they became more self centered. The oldest one, NT,
was determined to do whatever it took to please his dad, and the youngest, the
Aspie, preferred to stay at home with his trains. Thus, any form of family recreation
was usually shot down. This contributed to my unhappiness. But, my life wasn’t
supposed to be like this. I admit, I’ve learned a lot over the years; and I
have become quite the Aspergers expert. I have earned two degrees and helped my
children develop their God given talents. Yet, I am still young enough to want
more out of life: more children, a second marriage, a beautiful forever home,
and a chance to really help others in a significant way. I realize that fear
and insecurity has kept me trapped in an endless loop of negative thinking. I
need to break free. I often reflect on my ultimate desire to have a compatible
mate; I heard it described on Oprah as a “spiritual partnership.” This one wish
provides me with the motivation to continue going, to hold on to my faith, and
to hope for the better future that I am entitled too.
Throughout this, I have learned a powerful lesson: never
surrender your life to an individual that has no way of understanding how you
perceive your life, feelings, emotions, desires, and hopes for the future. I am often haunted by something my children’s
father’s mother said to me before we married, in fact, what she said really
inspired me to marry him. She told me that he was a nice guy and that he would
make a good husband. Clearly, she was either extremely hopeful or in denial of
her son’s condition. I sometimes wonder if she was only trying to secure a full
time care giver for her special needs child. I think about how I would react to
my youngest son’s possible desire for a mate. I want all of my children to find
love and happiness, but I feel that it is my responsibility to help them find compatible
partners. For example, my youngest son would be better suited with an individual
that has the same neurological differences, such as Autism, Aspergers, or with
an individual that has low emotional needs.
As I write this, I am in a sort of crisis. I am still
healing from my last infection, when I develop symptoms of arthritis. I have awakened
for the last few days with swollen hands and feet, stiff joints, and swollen
neck glands. Great, another attack on my autoimmune system… I realize that I really
need to get it together. I have allowed the stressors in my life to bring me
down.
So going forward from today, I will try my hardest to put
this chapter of marriage to my children’s father behind me. The nine years of hardship
and emotional pain must be buried so that I can move on. Unfortunately, the finances
do not allow for quick divorce. My children’s
father and I must share the same living quarters until I am gainfully employed
because he just won’t leave the house. He believes that I should leave since I
want the divorce. Thus, I felt trapped. But, I no longer want to feel this
powerlessness. I move forward today, empowered and full of hope and confidence
that my dreams will come to pass. For a whole year, I practiced positive thinking,
aligning my life with good things, and allowing the universe to deliver my
desires…guess what, “IT WORKED!” However, I feel into a deep depression after I
completed my graduate courses, began to look for a job, and suddenly decided
that, “I couldn’t find a job.” Desperate to get out of my marriage and housing
situation, I panicked and got on the ‘woe is me’ bandwagon. And now I am writing
a blog as my catharsis.
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